The Devil’s Weed
Some of you sinners may be familiar with the Devil’s Lettuce (AKA jazz spice, AKA wacky tobacky, AKA the kindest of buds), but that’s not what I’m here to celebrate today. Today is reserved for the Devil’s Weeds: poison ivy, poison oak, and poison sumac. These, and their flying hell-angels, mosquitos, are what can bring your beautiful summer days to a terrifying halt at a moment’s notice. The devilish weed wreaks havoc on all of us gardeners and outdoors folk every spring and summer, and I’m here to tell you about my personal best practices— a toolkit of tricks I’ve learned over the many seasons of cursing the itchy, oozing rash on various parts of my body. I’ve managed to fine tune my process to avoid the torturous rash most weeks, and when I am afflicted with the red rash from the depths of hell, I can get poison ivy down to an itch-free scab in four to five days after it first appears. Mind you, everyone’s body is different, so this isn’t a guarantee, merely a suggestion.
Prevention and Intervention
Wear gloves, long sleeves, and long pants when weeding, gardening, or hiking (I do not do this myself, but I love to live dangerously, and I accept the consequences of my actions; do as I say, not as I do).
Wash your clothes at the of every day spent outdoors. You’re gonna wanna strip down as soon as you walk in the door because the oils can ominously lurk on your clothes for days, months, or even years after initially coming into contact with the oil.
At the end of each day you spend outdoors, you should take Dawn soap and scrub from the top of your scalp all the way down to your toes — in that order. The Dawn soap is essential (I am not a paid sponsor, but if they’re reading this, then I’m absolutely willing to be. Email me!). The reason it’s so effective is it cuts through the oil that causes the rash. That’s why they have lil’ baby ducks who survived oil spills on the label — Dawn saved their lives by cutting through their oil-slicked fur, and they can save you too.
When you’re out of the shower, take a CLEAN towel and using different parts of the clean towel for each part of your body, wipe from your head to your feet — in that order. Don’t reuse swatches on the towel because that’s how you spread the oil.
Dawn is a magical soap, but it’s not winning any beautician awards because those suds are going to leave you HELLA dry. I’m talking flaking skin and cracking lips, so don’t forget to moisturize ASAP after.
The Oozing Print of the Devil’s Hand
DO NOT SCRATCH!!!!!! … but it feels so gooooooood. I know, but DO NOT SCRATCH!!! Wear oven mitts if you need to, think of the scars it will leave on your beautiful body, or imagine having to send a scratched and bloodied selfie to your boss to get out of work. Whatever you have to do — just don’t scratch … if you can.
You should take a cold shower, but a hot shower feels indecently good (like moans and groans kinda good). It’s actually kind of inappropriate.
Wash your body with Dawn soap in the same method as mentioned above. It’ll sting a bit on any open sores, but I welcomed any bodily feeling other than itch, so you should too.
Use a clean towel and follow the instructions outlined above.
Now that you’re all squeaky clean and dry, it’s time to grab some paper towel and vinegar. You’re going to wet the paper towel with vinegar and wipe the affected areas, using a new piece of paper towel for each rash section. This is going to sting which means it’s working and drying out the oils on your skin. It’s going to dry the bad oils AND the good oils, so prepare for seriously DRY skin. What would you rather? Scratching your own face off like in that scene from Poltergeist or some flaky dry skin that makes cracking sounds when you try to smile?
Now for the anti-itch ointment cream. There are tons of over-the-counter options to choose from, but I like Ivarest. I put the pink cream only on the affected areas. Then I lather on the Nivea cream in the other areas so my face doesn’t blow away in a puff of dead skin flakes. Gross.
Basically, you’re going to repeat this process at the end of each day until your poison ivy reduces down to hideous scabs (around day 4 or 5) — YAYYYYYYY!!!
