Pissing on Peonies

Here’s the number 1 way to fertilize your precious peonies, not the number 2 way.

Yes. You read that right. If you haven’t noticed, there’s currently a fertilizer shortage as a result of the assault against Ukraine. As a result, coupled with inflation, food prices are soaring because farmers are paying through the roof to get their hands on some much needed nutritional and soil-enriching fertilizer for their crops. Out of urgent need to combat climate change and solve the fertilizer crisis, people have turned to creative, natural, and self-sufficient ways to fertilize their gardens. More specifically, their Peonies … with their pee.

That’s right, folks! According to two Environmental engineering professors, Nancy Love and Krista Wigginton (LA Times), Peonies respond exceptionally well to the PH balance and nutrients offered up in your every day, easy to get, constantly accessible piss. According to the LA Times, “Urine contains essential nutrients such as nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus.” And these are all the goodies that Peonies need in order to blossom with some extra fierceness. Just make sure to fertilize these baddies prior to their bloom. Don’t believe me? Just check out the blooms on my ladies. What’s that luminous shine on their pedals, you ask? Oh, why it’s a daily dose of my own special-brand of urine.

Of course, there are some advantages to being cis-male in this regard (built-in hose and whatnot), but fret-not squatters — Peonies aren’t picky. Grab a mason jar or dribble all over your favorite sun dress. Either way, quit wasting water with an unnecessary flush and drip dry after showering your favorite Peonies in your own liquid gold.